He said it to HER…but surely not to me…
by Rev. Deb Beloved Church
A couple of years ago, I was sitting by myself in a quiet casita in northern New Mexico, having my morning cup of coffee and delighting in the rare moments of stillness…
As I gazed out the floor-length window directly in front of the table where I sat, I suddenly caught the faintest reflection of my coffee cup in the window…and immediately I found myself imagining that Jesus was holding that cup. And I found myself eagerly stepping into a space where Jesus was sitting there across the table, holding not only a cup of coffee in his hands but holding me in his gaze…
And I heard him ask, “What do you want me to do for you?”
My answer to that question, and the ensuing conversation we had, were deeply moving– and perhaps the topic for another reflection sometime…
…but for now, I bring it up because the Gospel reading for today–Matthew 20:20-28–brought it to mind. In Matthew 20:21, we find Jesus asking that question of someone else.
“Then the mother of Zebedee’s sons came to Jesus along with her sons. Bowing before him, she asked a favor of him.
“‘What do you want?’ he asked.”
And she answered. [If you’re curious, you can read her answer for yourself… Click here to find it.]
And Jesus said, “You don’t know what you’re asking!” (Mt. 20:22a)
You don’t know what you’re asking.
And I thought, how often must that be the Divine response to our prayers??
…because so often, we don’t know what we’re asking…
Although we think we do!
When we’re confused, for example, we want direction and clarity (of course we do!!)…but what if, rather than to be given the “solution,” what we need is to keep muddling through, to look and listen more deeply within ourselves rather than outside of ourselves? What if what we need is to become more comfortable with discomfort, more accepting of what feels unacceptable?…
When we or a loved one is ill, we want healing–healing that looks suspiciously like a cure (of course we do!!)…but what if the deeper wholeness that’s needed looks different? What if, somehow, the more eternal healing will come to pass when the cure doesn’t?…
When there is conflict, we want peace (of course we do!!)…but what if the deeper answers are found in the struggle? What if the only way we will truly grow is by going through the fight? By continuing to resist?…
When fear abounds, we want it go away (of course we do!!)…but what if the greater gift is to feel strength in the midst of the fear, God’s abiding Presence in the midst of chaos, a deep Trust that all shall be well when we are quaking with terror?…
Often, or at least sometimes, we think we know what we’re asking for when we pray…
If Jesus asked us, as he did the woman in today’s story, “What do you want me to do for you?”, often, or at least sometimes, we, like she did, would have an answer…
How often, I can’t help but wonder, would Jesus respond: You don’t know what you’re asking!
How often, I have to ask myself, does Jesus respond: You don’t know what you’re asking!
And when–not if, but when–that happens, I wonder—can we hear it? Can we receive it? Can we accept it? And can we then seek and trust the divine truth behind it?
It’s so hard…
But may it be so.