Category: mental health

Good Grief! You’ve Changed!

by Rev. Paul Whitlock, Senior Pastor, The Church of the Palms UCC

You likely remember the exact moment the world shifted—the devastating phone call, the quiet hospital room, the empty chair at dinner, or the text you dreaded ever receiving. It is the overwhelming silence that hits when a person who defined your daily life suddenly exists only in your memory. It’s a common story at The Palms.

Most people view grief as a purely emotional arc: you weep, you ache, you miss them, and eventually, time mends the heart. Neuroscience, however, reveals a far more complex biological reality. Deep loss doesn’t just trigger sadness; it fundamentally alters your brain’s structure and function. It reshapes your memories, skews your perception of time, shifts your identity, and rewires how you forecast the future. You aren’t just mourning a person— your brain is forcibly attempting to construct a new reality where they no longer exist, permanently altering who you are in the process.

Psychologists refer to one of grief’s most painful aspects as the “continuing bond.” While your logical mind understands they are gone, your emotional brain has not updated its map of reality. You still reflexively reach for your phone to text them or expect to hear their voice when good news breaks.

This happens because the brain builds loved ones directly into its internal prediction network. Over time, your brain learns:

  • When I need support, I go to them.
  • When something exciting happens, I share it with them.
  • When life is difficult, they are my anchor.

They become built into your brain’s core emotional architecture. When they disappear, your neural network experiences a systemic failure—the world your brain constantly prepares for no longer exists.

Grief is far more than an abstract feeling. Neuroimaging reveals that the pain of social rejection and profound loss activates the same brain regions as physical injury. This is why grieving individuals frequently experience phantom physical symptoms:

  • Deep body aches and chronic pain
  • Persistent exhaustion and lethargy
  • Severe brain fog and inability to focus
  • A disorienting loss of self

In a literal sense, your brain is treating loss as a physical trauma, desperately trying to adapt to an unrecognizable environment.

After a loss, memories often become hyper-vivid. You might suddenly recall the exact cadence of their laugh, their subtle habits, or mundane moments that now feel invaluable.

This occurs because the hippocampus—the brain’s memory hub—works alongside emotional centers to preserve connections to vital people. The deeper the bond, the stronger the underlying neural pathways. Losing someone close doesn’t feel like losing information; it feels like losing a piece of your personal history, because part of your brain’s timeline was built directly around them.

When a loved one dies, you don’t just lose them—you lose the specific version of yourself that existed alongside them. Relationships don’t just link two people; they form distinct identities. You manifest differently with a childhood friend than with a colleague or parent.

When a key relationship ends, your brain must reorganize its fundamental sense of self.

Psychologists call this “identity reconstruction.” You are not just learning to navigate life without someone; you are discovering who you are in their absence.

Prolonged grief isn’t a sign of weakness; it is a sign of a brain struggling to reconcile two conflicting realities. Your emotional brain insists, “They belong here,” while your logical brain counters, “They are gone.” Running these two competing versions of reality simultaneously creates intense psychological distress, forcing the brain to confront this gap at every trigger.

Many fear moving forward because they equate healing with forgetting. But the brain doesn’t erase meaningful bonds—it evolves them. Over time, the connection shifts from an external presence to an internal blueprint. Their wisdom influences your choices, their humor shapes your perspective, and their voice becomes part of your inner compass.

While tragedy should never be romanticized, neuroscientists recognize a phenomenon known as post-traumatic growth. Following profound loss, the brain can gradually build new pathways rooted in:

  • Heightened empathy and compassion
  • Richer emotional awareness
  • Realigned personal priorities
  • Deeper gratitude for life and remaining relationships

You cannot return to who you were before the loss, because that version of you belonged to a world where they were still here. The true path of grief isn’t about moving on—it is about moving forward as someone new, carrying the love, the memories, and the transformation with you. On your journey, this new adventure, we walk with you at The Palms.

Shalom, Paul

12 Safeguards for Spiritual Caregivers

by Christopher Schouten

For clergy or lay members engaged in the demanding and holy work of pastoral care, sustainability is key. The following safeguards are designed to help you protect your spirit, maintain healthy boundaries, and continue to serve from a place of fullness rather than depletion, preventing burnout and compassion fatigue.

  1. Anchor Yourself in Personal Spiritual Practices You cannot pour out what you have not first received. Your personal time for prayer, scripture study, and quiet contemplation is not a luxury – it is the very source of the grace you extend to others. Protect this time fiercely so you can minister from a place of genuine connection with God.
  2. Acknowledge the Sacred Weight of the Work The stories you hear and the pain you witness are heavy. Acknowledge the emotional and spiritual toll of this ministry. Like Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, it is okay to feel the weight of this work. Naming it prevents the burden from silently crushing your spirit.
  3. Set Healthy Ministry Boundaries Your role is to be a companion, not a savior. Practice compassionate detachment by walking with people in their pain without taking their burdens on as your own. Know when a visit is over, be clear about your availability, and protect your family and personal time.
  4. Actively Give and Receive Care Within Your Team Your care team meetings should be more than just case management. They must be a safe space for you to be vulnerable, to share your own struggles, and to pray for one another. Intentionally practice being a caregiver to your fellow team members.
  5. Know When to Refer You are a spiritual companion, not a professional therapist or social worker. A critical part of responsible pastoral care is recognizing situations that are beyond the scope of your training. See it as a strength, not a failure, to connect someone with professional counseling or other resources.
  6. Practice Spiritual and Emotional Self-Awareness Regularly and prayerfully check in with yourself. What are your personal signs of stress or fatigue? Are you feeling irritable, cynical, or emotionally numb? Pay attention to these signals from your body and spirit as a prompt to seek rest and support.
  7. Embrace the Discipline of Sabbath True Sabbath is more than just a day off; it is a deliberate ceasing from work and worry to delight in God and creation. Intentionally schedule time for rest, hobbies, and activities that replenish your soul and have nothing to do with your ministry role.
  8. Nurture Your Life Outside of Ministry Your identity is more than “pastoral caregiver.” Cultivate your friendships, family relationships, and personal interests. Maintaining a full and varied life provides perspective, joy, and resilience that will, in turn, enrich your ministry.
  9. Seek Continual Spiritual Formation Continue to be a student of faith. Participating in Bible studies, attending workshops, or going on retreats for your own spiritual growth will deepen your wellspring of wisdom and grace, equipping you for the long haul of ministry.
  10. Practice Grace-Filled Self-Compassion You will not always have the right words. You will sometimes feel like you have failed. In these moments, extend the same grace to yourself that you are called to extend to others. Remember that your worth is not in your effectiveness, but in your identity as a beloved child of God.
  11. Reconnect with Your Calling When you feel weary, take time to remember and reflect on why you first felt called to this ministry. Sharing these stories with your team can be a powerful reminder of your shared purpose and God’s faithfulness.
  12. Lean on Church Leadership You are not in this alone. Your senior minister and other church leaders are there to support you. Be honest with them about the team’s weariness and your personal need for support. A healthy ministry is one where caregivers feel seen, valued, and supported by their leadership.

Based on the works of:

Barton, R. H. (2008). Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership: Seeking God in the Crucible of Ministry. InterVarsity Press.

Burns, B., Chapman, T. D., & Guthrie, D. C. (2013). Resilient Ministry: What Pastors Told Us About Surviving and Thriving. IVP Books.

The Stories We Tell About Mental Health

by Kathryn Andrews, a member of Desert Palm UCC’s W.I.S.E. Committee and Southwest Conference COM A. This is a book review for Disability Pride Month.

Psychiatrists have no definitive explanation for why some of their patients rebound from mental illness while others have an illness “career.” In Strangers to Ourselves: Unsettled Minds and the Stories that Make Us, Rachel Aviv looks beyond neurology and family dynamics. Instead, she asks whether diagnosis and story framing have a role to play in outcomes. Professionals convey a story on an individual level by naming, diagnosing, and providing a prognosis to the patient or the patient’s family. On a macro level, society conveys its own stories about mental health through cultural attitudes or societal stigma.

The author cites herself as an example of the power of framing and story. At age six, Aviv became the youngest known patient with anorexia nervosa, a disorder characterized by extreme calorie restriction. She spent six weeks in a hospital receiving counseling and food. Doctors conveyed the risks of her condition and prognosis to her parents, but did not share details with Aviv herself. It was not until she reached middle school — when friends began experimenting with anorexia — that Aviv began to understand the meaning of the diagnosis. Aviv attributes her emergence from anorexia in part to her ignorance of the societal ideal of thinness. More importantly, at age six Aviv never received the language describing anorexia and never incorporated it into her understanding of herself.

Aviv broadens the narrative to include stories of several others in the “psychic hinterlands” and the impact of environment and ethnic and cultural narratives on their lives. For example, she introduces us to Bapu, a woman from Kerala, India. Western psychiatrists diagnose Bapu with schizophrenia, and her upper-class family abandons her. Upon relocating to another town, Bapu begins to live on the streets. The people she meets there revere her as a saint and request her prayers. Interestingly, a World Health Organization study conducted over three decades found people more likely to “recover” from schizophrenia in developing nations than in developed ones, with some of the best outcomes in India.

In the United States, social norms also have a role to play in outcomes, including the likelihood of self-harm. Based upon 100-year averages, the suicide rate among African Americans is roughly half that of Caucasian Americans. Although the suicide rate for African Americans has risen in recent years, sociologist Kevin Early explains that the black community views suicide as “almost a complete denial of black identity and culture” as it is at odds with enduring.

The author acknowledges that a diagnosis can bring relief to a patient and family bewildered by symptoms’ onset. Aviv writes, by “creating a shared language, contemporary psychiatry can alleviate people’s loneliness, but we may take for granted the impact of its explanations, which are not neutral: they alter the kinds of stories about the self” and “how we understand our potential.” These stories “bear heavily on a person’s sense of self” and desire for treatment. In gathering patients’ stories, Aviv is struck by how easily her life might have taken another direction.

While I do not doubt the effect of story Aviv outlines, limiting information to an adult patient seems paternalistic. Perhaps the diagnosing professional should equip the patient with the diagnosis and treatment options while deferring any prediction about the future. Pat Deegan, a psychologist and schizophrenia patient, agrees that some phases of “recovery” entail the patient’s participation in “planning and work” but rejects the notion that every aspect “can be consciously orchestrated.” Hope remains the wild card, a phenomenon for which psychiatry, psychology, social work, and science cannot account. According to Deegan: “But those of us who have recovered know that this grace is real.”

3 Simple Steps to Decrease Anxiety

by Kay Klinkenborg, Church of the Palms UCC

Regardless of the origins of feeling anxious or jumpy, there is short-focused exercise that can alter your current experience with a emotional response.  (Most effective with anxiety, but can be beneficial with other agitating thoughts, like obsessive thinking, fear, etc.)  

The beauty is that you can do it anytime, anywhere…even in public or a meeting and no one knows you are doing it.   It is most successful if you can step out of the room or change locations in your current room…for ‘movement’ is a key neurological component to bring about change of thoughts. 

Step One: Move some part of you body three times in a row; preferable in a different way each time.  Capture in your mind your thoughts and say them internally or aloud with each movement. 

Step Two: Look at three different things in your environment; with each object say it in your head or aloud.   

Step Three: Listen for three different sounds in your environment (it can even be your breathing); with each sound say it in your head or aloud. 

Your body…your mind…your choice. That is the motto of taking charge of emotions that are distressing you. Please note this works primarily for anxious feelings, jumpy or edgy.  I would not recommend it using it to shut down your tears if crying because of grief, a loss, or hurt feelings. This is a tool to use so you can stay focused on your tasks at hand. 

Should you find some initial relief with these three steps, repeat the three steps and go deeper into being in charge of managing your anxiety. 

Kay F. Klinkenborg, MA
Spiritual Companion
Member Spiritual Directors International
Retired: RN; LMFT; Clinical Member AAMFT
Author, poet, adult education facilitator

The Sacred Journey from Shame to Pride

by Christopher Schouten, pre-MID

Introduction

Happy Pride Month! Pride evokes different emotions and memories for each of us. For some, it conjures up joyous celebrations in the streets, parks, and bars with friends and loved ones, feeling a sense of community and safety. My first big pride parade in Chicago during my early 20s was transformative. For the first time, I felt like part of the majority, not a marginalized minority. It was both safe and surreal.

Others might question the purpose of Pride, wondering if such marches are still necessary or if Pride itself is a sin in a Christian context. These are valid questions. Let’s explore them together, starting with a biblical perspective.

Sinful Pride vs. Righteous Pride

The Bible contains numerous statements about sinful pride, such as Proverbs 16:18, which warns, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” C.S. Lewis described pride as the “anti-God” state, severing the spirit from God’s life-giving presence.

However, there is also mention of “righteous pride.” Paul the Apostle, for example, speaks of a healthy kind of pride in Galatians 6:4, “Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else.” He also expresses pride in the Corinthians in 2 Corinthians 7:4, “I have great confidence in you; I take great pride in you. I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds.”

Righteous pride encourages us to recognize and celebrate our God-given talents and achievements while remaining humble and grateful. It fosters healthy self-esteem and motivates us to use our gifts in service to others and to glorify God.

The Impact of Shame on LGBTQIA+ Individuals

For the LGBTQIA+ community, developing a sense of righteous pride can be particularly challenging. Growing up in a society that often condemns or marginalizes our identities can lead to a pervasive sense of shame and invalidation. This shame teaches us to hide our true selves and diminish our light, stifling our personal growth and depriving the world of our unique contributions.

The cost of this shame is significant. According to the Trevor Project, LGBTQIA+ youth are more than twice as likely to feel suicidal and over four times as likely to attempt suicide compared to their heterosexual peers.

Personal Experience

My journey from shame to pride has been long and arduous. I knew I was gay at 12, but the lack of positive representation and support made me hide my true self. In high school, I stayed in the closet, living in secrecy and shame, finding solace only in the acceptance of a few friends in my UCC church choir.

College brought newfound freedom and acceptance, but the damage was done. The shame I internalized in my youth continued to drive me, leading to overachievement as a coping mechanism. I sought validation through academic excellence, career success, and various accomplishments, hoping to prove my worth and avoid confronting my shame.

Overachievement and Addiction

Author Alan Downs, in “The Velvet Rage,” explains that shame often leads to overachievement and addiction in LGBTQIA+ individuals. I excelled in academics and career, learned multiple languages, and held leadership positions, all to avoid shame. Despite my successes, a deep sense of unworthiness lingered, manifesting in disproportionate anger and rage when triggered.

Addiction is another common coping mechanism. LGBTQIA+ individuals are more likely to struggle with substance abuse and process addictions like sex, gambling, or eating disorders. These addictions are often driven by the need to numb the pain of shame and seek solace.

The Role of God’s Grace

Healing from deep-seated shame and reclaiming our true selves involves embracing the transformative power of a higher power. Isaiah 43:1-4 reminds us that we are not defined by shame or judgment but are precious and honored in God’s sight. God’s unconditional love provides a foundation upon which we can rebuild our sense of self-worth.

Personal Growth Work

While God’s love is central to our journey from shame to pride, we also have personal responsibilities:

  1. Self-Reflect: Spend time in prayer and meditation, asking God to reveal your true passions and callings.
  2. Embrace Vulnerability: Share your authentic self with others to build supportive connections.
  3. Find Your Passion: Identify and pursue activities that bring you joy and are true expressions of your God-given essence.
  4. Be Your Authentic Self: Work to be your true self in all situations, rejecting the urge to hide your light.
  5. Choose Love: Embrace God’s love and extend it to your inner child, fostering healing and self-acceptance.

Conclusion

If you are brave enough to begin this journey of healing from shame, you deserve to live in pride every day. The journey from shame to pride is a testament to the power of God’s healing love and a unique work of art that will be your legacy to the world. Be blessed and reassured that your Creator and this community of love will be with you on your journey.

On Pentecost and Tattoos

by Rev. Deb Beloved Church

“…at this sound the crowd gathered and was bewildered, because each one heard them speaking in the native language of each. Amazed and astonished, they asked, ‘Are not all these who are speaking Galileans? And how is it that…in our own languages we hear them speaking about God’s deeds of power?’” (Selected verses from Acts 2, NRSV)

“You’re the coolest minister I’ve ever met.” 

So said Jordan, the tattoo artist who gave me my first tattoo, in May of 2021, at Talisman BodyArt in Santa Fe. 

To honor the struggle my daughter Sarah–and she and I together–had been through in the previous eighteen months, and the progress she had made, and the commitment we both have (still!) to her full recovery, Sarah had invited me to join her in getting a tattoo that she had designed, based on the logo for NEDA, the National Eating Disorders Association. 

In spite of my very real fear that the pain would be excruciating and I would not be able to keep myself from screaming, sobbing, passing out, or otherwise completely embarrassing myself, I immediately and unhesitatingly agreed. Truth be told, I felt honored by her invitation. 

I went first, since I knew that if I watched Sarah getting hers, I might very well bolt, never to return again, and I really did want to do this. The tattoo artist, Jordan, was a lovely young woman who, as it turned out, had grown up in Los Alamos. She had been doing tattoos for several years and, when she found out she would be giving me my first one, quickly and graciously put me at ease. 

When she was ready to start the actual tattooing, she told me she would do one small section and then check in with me to see how I was doing. I had, of course, shared my fear and dread with her! I told her I was ready, and looked away, looking instead at Sarah, who was sitting on the other side of me. She smiled at me, and I smiled back, putting on a brave face and bracing myself for the pain. And Jordan began. 

I waited for a moment as her tattoo pen whirred…and then I said, “That’s it??” And she smiled and said, “Yep.” And I, with a mixture of pride and profound relief, exclaimed, “I’ve had three babies! This is nothing!”

As she worked, Jordan chatted with Sarah and me, cheerfully answering the questions I asked her about growing up in Los Alamos, about other art she enjoys, about her work, etc. At one point, during a lull in the conversation, she asked me, “So what do you do?” 

I looked at Sarah, and we both laughed. And I looked back at Jordan and said, “I’m a pastor.” 

Jordan: “Really?!?!?” 

Me: “Really.” 

Jordan: “Wow! That’s cool!”

Sarah: “Have you ever tattooed a minister before?”

Jordan: “I’m pretty sure I have not! But that’s so cool! I’ll be able to brag to my friends about this!” Pause… “You’re definitely the coolest minister I’ve ever met.” 

And a very memorable shared experience. And I couldn’t help but wonder if Jordan might remember it, too. I wonder if she might remember it as a time when a minister-mom broke some stereotypes, leaving judgment at the door and offering acceptance instead, stepping away from condemnation and stepping into her world with curiosity, extending kindness and respect along with my arm. I wonder if maybe, through our interactions, Jordan heard, and experienced, something about the goodness of God in a language she could understand…. 

By the time we left, Sarah and I had these deeply meaningful tattoos: 

In what ways do those we encounter who are not part of the “church-going club” hear us speaking about God? Do we speak in “languages” they can readily understand? 

God, help us…Holy Spirit, come to us… Jesus, inspire us! Amen.

May peace, and the power of translation, be with us all.

Deb

Attributes of God: Free from Anxiety

by Rev. Teresa Blythe

Don’t know about you, but I, like millions of others right now, have anxiety issues. “Generalized Anxiety Disorder” is the technical term my therapist writes down in their little notebook. I’m not ashamed to admit this. In some ways, when you look around at all that is going on in the world, like…

  • Mass shootings
  • Raging war in Ukraine
  • Wildfires, drought, floods, the shrinking ice caps in the Arctic
  • Lack of affordable housing
  • Inflation
  • Political division and threats of civil war

Well, if you’re not a little bit anxious, you just aren’t paying attention.

In our continuing exploration of the attributes of God found listed in the apocryphal book of Wisdom (7:22-24), our lovely Wisdom passage tells us that the Divine is free from anxiety. 

For Wisdom, the fashioner of all things, taught me…

…there is in her a spirit that is free from anxiety.

This is also something Jesus —  a New Testament Wisdom figure — told us: “don’t be anxious about anything,” in Matthew 6:25-31.

What would it be like to be free from anxiety? To have hope that God, working through all of us, can bring about a more peaceful, sustainable, and just world?

This attribute of God is one reason I attend worship. In my congregation, we never ignore the injustices of the world but at the same time we always emphasize God’s grace and the hope for change. It is this hope that has the ability — if I allow it — to calm my anxious spirit.

Anxiety can easily raise my blood pressure. This morning, as I prepared for the day and did my daily blood pressure check, it was borderline high. So, I took 15 minutes to sit, breathe and be in the presence of God (the one free from anxiety!). After finishing, I rechecked and sure enough, my blood pressure was back to normal.

We can’t singlehandedly make the world a more just and sustainable place. We can, however, sometimes lower our anxiety-produced-high blood pressure if we…

  • Check in with ourselves. Ask “what do I need right now?”
  • Take several slow, steady, deep breaths.
  • Let go of anxious thoughts with our favorite mantra or just saying “I let it go.”
  • Allow God to absorb our worries and burdens for the time being.

Knowing that God is free from anxiety can be inspiration for us. We won’t be free from concerns and anxiety all the time (we need some of it for self-preservation), yet we can give ourselves the breaks we need to continue our work toward a better, more just world.

Self-esteem Dislocation Event: What is This and How Can I Respond?

by Kay F. Klinkenborg, member of Church of the Palms UCC, Spiritual Companion, Member Spiritual Directors International, Retired: RN, LMFT, Clinical Member AAMFT

Remember the famous book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner? Bad things do happen. Our world can be turned upside down with one event. To name the event can be empowering. We experience predictable feelings of being lost and overwhelmed. Internally we know we will never be the same after this challenging experience.  

Such an event is called a self-esteem dislocation event and it jars us to the core. It challenges our views, beliefs, predictions and expectations about the world; something that happens to make us have to find our way to integrate a whole new set of beliefs and our expectations and how we see the world. This certainly can challenge many things within us and how we see ourselves.

To understand the impact of a ‘self-esteem dislocation event’ (SEDE), I share my model designed in 1994 for my private practice in working with persons experiencing this major life upheaval, disruption of their self and their view of the world. What you see below is a graph of a more complex model I designed showing the core elements of self when they are dislodged. This visual representation of what makes up self was informative for my clients. They told me it brought clarity to them as to why so many things about themselves felt unsettled. This is not a tested psychological theory, but a model designed to bring some clarity to people whose world and perspectives had fallen apart. There is much more to this paradigm than can be explored in this one article. I will only focus on what we need to understand in order to make the best choices we can when a self-esteem dislocation event happens. And they will happen.

Core Elements of Self

The Core Elements of Self can be found under four major categories. One does not need an in-depth researched study to have language for a SEDE. 

The self is at the center of the paradigm and note that God is the corner stone, the 3-D Presence interacting with our core self (although at times we may feel that is absent.). We are part of God and God dwells within us. We are made in God’s image.

Not one of the four core elements has priority over the other. And if one core element can be identified as being significantly impacted, it is touching all three other core elements. We are integrated human beings and complex. We can’t compartmentalize one core element of our self from the other. We are designed like a web within ourselves and it takes all components for us to function effectively. A major life event can disrupt any one of them.

Definition of each core element:

          Spirituality:  what brings meaning to your life that is beyond yourself: God/Divine/Energy or Nature, etc.

          Self-esteem: the reputation you have with yourself; do you like yourself? Do you feel good about who you are? Do you feel you are not worthy? Do you feel no one loves you?

          Sexuality:   there are three components to this word: sex-u-ality

                1.  sex –  the intimate interaction with another (physical or intense emotional arousal); an intimate physical interaction with one’s own body1

                2.  u – the very core of your being; your personhood, your true self1

                        3. ality–  all the behavioral ways you express who you are; how you dress; how you walk, etc.;  your gender (biologically); gender choice **; how you present yourself to others (and that might change in different settings)1

               Body Image: Do you revere and respect your body? Can you say you like your body? Do you accept your body as it is? Do you celebrate the way your body gets you through the day? Do you feel connected to your body and can you be aware of sensations of emotions and reactions in different spaces throughout your body?

For example, major loss of physical function from an accident will have a significant impact on our body image. That adjustment takes time. Any physical diminishment alters our body image … that touches our self-esteem … that touches our spirituality; how do we make meaning of this event. Where is God in this? Is God even present? Do I feel alone? Do I feel abandoned? Am I no longer desirable to another person sexually? Do I even see myself as a sexual person after this experience?

Thus, anything that dislocates self-esteem challenges all four components of self. It is predictable.  You have done nothing wrong.

RECOMMENDED PRIORITIES WHEN A SELF-ESTEEM DISLOCATION EVENT HAPPENS

·     Do not make quick decisions regarding where to live, investments, or other major life choices

·      Ask for support. You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Reach out to a trusted friend, pastor, counselor or spiritual director as soon as you can.

·      Return to the basics of self-care to help you think more clearly, and not risk becoming physically ill.

        Food … shelter … safety … rest and sleep

Don’t hesitate to reach out to your primary care provider if you are not getting a minimum 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep about the 5th-6th day post the SEDE. It is normal to be reassured if someone stays with you, especially during the night if you live alone. In fact, it would be wise so your mind could be assured so you don’t have to be hyper-alert for the next shoe to drop. If you are experiencing anxiety, talk with you physician; it is a normal reaction.

  Keep your normal rituals of self-hygiene even if you don’t emotionally feel motivated.

· All emotions you feel are normal. Do not judge your emotional reactions. You can experience ‘double-dip feelings.’ More than one major emotion at a time can be unsettling unless you know that is the norm.

· Self-nurturance is necessary … but it might feel selfish in the midst of the upheaval and chaos that comes with the event. Listen to what ‘comforts you’. 

Suggestions: Sit down with feet elevated. Give you body it’s needed physical rest        during the day…minimum three times a day.

       Drink at least 32 ounces of water per day, plus other fluids. A SEDE is dehydrating because your body is physically working harder with the added stress; and there is predictably some grieving in this experience. Grief work is       dehydrating in and of itself.

       Feed your soul by letting comfort in. Pick up a devotional book that you have used before and read 1-2 sentences. You can’t focus for an entire paragraph right now. Reading the same thing several times/ or days in a row is beneficial. Many reach to biblical or sacred texts or favorite poems during these experiences. Call a friend you know loves you and will just listen. Listen to music that is meaningful to you.

       Slow walk, or sitting on a porch (if weather allows). It is not recommended to return to rigorous physical exercise routines for several days. Just when your body feels physically and emotionally rested enough to return … re-enter with a partial physical exercise regime the first 2-3 times.

       Touch nature by looking outside, sitting outside. Your pet(s) are a profound companion in God’s creation. You likely don’t need instructions on how to interact with your pet. Pick what in nature speaks to you…look at photos, watch YouTubes.

·      TAKE AS DEEP A BREATH AS YOU CAN!  Frequently! This list above is not be done all at once. It is a guide to keep and pull out should you find yourself in the midst of a self-dislocation event. Returning to the basic at any high stress time in our life is of benefit. 

·      You come to this SEDE with a lot of life experience and wisdom. You are not to know all the answers. You come learning how to go down this new path. Give yourself grace to pace this journey … listen to what your body needs…listen to what your heart and soul needs. You can do this one hard thing (the many hard things you find on your agenda right now.) 

        You will find you are more resilient than you imagined. You will tap into what you have learned through life. You will learn new things about your core self. You will learn more about your relationship with the Divine/God that is behind the core of yourself.

**LGBTTQQIAAP (abbreviation) definition and synonyms  https://www.macmillandictionary.com 

1Moy, Carol (PhD) & Klinkenborg, Kay (1989). Instructors: “Human Sexuality” undergraduate/graduate course at  Sangamon State University (currently Univ of Il-Springfield), Springfield, IL.

Kickin’…Cryin’…Denyin’ …or Grace?  The Undeniable Experience of Aging

by Kay Klinkenborg MA, Church of the Palms; Spiritual Directors International; Retired RN, LMFT, Clinical Member AAMFT

I have a pact with my husband and a long-time friend, sister by another mother, that if I am not bathing, not hearing, not paying attention to myself, they are to ‘kick me in the butt’ and wake me up to make an appointment with my physician for a thorough assessment. I am trying to get out ahead of the fact that I might not always be attuned, sharp or paying attention…so I want some trusted observers with me on this journey of aging and transitions.

There are volumes of Internet articles, YouTube presentations about growing older with grace.  As well as books galore about the topic.  Is there anything new to say? 

Why is it the natural process of aging for humans is often fought so fiercely with denial?  One reason: we are an ageist society.  We don’t honor aging. We don’t honor elders. We don’t claim the wisdom that years can bring to be shared.  We are blind and isolate the aging persons in our life.  Maybe most of all, we deny our own aging. Authors, Better and Hunt in Aging with Grace: Flourishing in an Anti-aging Culture state: “Today’s culture, however, marginalizes old age, often portraying it as burdensome and hopeless.” 1   

Susan Whitbourne, PhD, professor of Psychology at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst says: “For some reason, our society is very obsessed with pointing out negative aspects of aging,”  2

I wince each time I hear an elder say: “I can’t do what I used to do and I don’t have anything to offer.”  That is not true. 

Betty Friedan had a good quote: “Aging is not lost youth, but a new stage of opportunity and strength.” 

“But if you get to be older, you have survived a lot of the threats to your physical and psychological integrity that have affected other people who are no longer around,” Whitbourne reminds us.2    She also notes: through good luck or good genes or both, the old have dodged fatal accidents, premature disease, and other things that kill the young. “You are stronger, and you get to live longer,”  “Most people think that’s a benefit.”2

One more time in life, we have choices.  Choices about our attitude and approach to aging.

As I read articles, scanned the books I have collected on the topic of aging:  three major themes arise: adaptation, wisdom sharing, and aspiring to age with grace.

The question is:  How are you approaching aging?

Adaptation

This is a choice.  Reality…aging is life.  We know it is going to happen, and it can’t be altered. We can be bitter, angry about how life has turned out for us. As if we could do anything to chance the past.  That is fruitless thinking. If we are angry, I find there is a need to forgive ourselves of somethings and/or possibly to forgive others.

Adaptation is going with the flow. Discovering what we can learn right now. 

Adaptation is continuing to participate in our evolution as part of God’s creation.

Adaptation is owning “it’s not over till it’s over”.  

Adaptation is asking yourself: “what do I need right now?”

Wisdom Sharing

Life experiences have taught us a great deal.  We have our own parables to share that can inspire others. Yes, our life experiences are parables.  Parables are not limited to sacred texts or the biblical stories.  I am not talking about having to write books, leave journal pages for the next generation.  I am talking about telling our stories and what we have learned.  It is also about sharing what questions remain and owning there are some questions for which we will never has answers. 

We will not share our wisdom if we do not stay engaged. You get to pick how you wish to stay engaged with other people; listening to their stories and sharing yours. We know that disengagement with others when aging leads to depression and extreme loneliness.  Older adults make up 12% of the US population, but account for 18% of all suicide deaths. This is an alarming statistic, as the elderly are the fastest growing segment of the population, making the issue of later-life suicide a major public health priority.3

Aspiring to Age with Grace 

This is a conscious decision.  We cannot successfully, fruitfully age with grace by being unconscious about our choices. Just because we’ve reached a certain age doesn’t mean we don’t have to stay awake and be kind to ourselves and others.

Experts write books and treatise on ‘what is grace’? When I think of grace, I return to the basic concept I would teach a child about grace:  “God is kind to you because God loves you. You deserve this.” Isaiah 46:4: reminds us lest we forget: “I will be your God throughout your lifetime—until you hair is white with age. I made you and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.”

How do you give yourself grace?  I have accumulated this list over the years.

Ways to Give Yourself the Gift of Grace

  1. Don’t be perfect, be real. No one is perfect (repeat after me: no one is perfect). …
  2. Mess up, but don’t let yourself feel bad. … mistakes are ‘mis  takes’ a chance to try again
  3. Give yourself permission to not do everything….
  4. Never feel selfish for taking “you” time. …
  5. Do one thing a day you’re proud of. 
  6. You come learning how to do this transition in life…just like you came learning how to do prior transitions/changes.  This time…you have a tool box of skills!
  7. Trust your intuition; it will seldom, if ever fail you.

I share a brief story of a long-time friend and spiritual mentor, Sr. Ann Regina Baker, OP. She died last year at the age of 101½ years. She is a role model for me in adapting, wisdom sharing and aspiring to age with grace.

Upon entering religious life, her ministry was in teaching music. Then she got a doctorate in spiritual direction. I don’t know the exact age when she moved to the Dominican Mother House to live in an apartment. Most of the sisters in her Dominican community never consider leaving formal ministry until after 80 years of age or older (unless something medical happens.)  She continued with spiritual directees, she taught classes weekly and she lead private and group retreats.

Ann Regina called her physical aging changes, physical diminishments.  She accepted in stride and with grace as she gradually lost her sight due to macular degeneration.  She approached her physically loss to walk with the same attitude.  She remained a teacher for Monday morning ‘Spiritual Growth’ class for her Dominican Sisters living in the Motherhouse until the age of 99.  She was totally blind by then and was memorizing what was read to her or she heard on DVDs or tapes.  The day came for her to physically move from her apartment at the Mother House to the Skilled Nursing Unit.

A mutual friend went to visit her to see how she was doing not having a class each week and no spiritual directees?  “I am preaching from my pillow” was her response.

What a wisdom teacher!  She modeled adaptation, wisdom sharing and aspiring to age with grace.  May I have courageous and attunement that I am ‘always preaching’ whether I think others are listening or not.  It is my choice about how to age gracefully. 

“We can’t control our destiny, but we can control who we become.”  Anne Frank

1Aging with Grace: Flourishing in an Anti-aging Culture (2021). Sharon W. Betters & Susan Hunt.

2Katherine Kam:    https://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/features/the-art-of-aging-gracefully

3 https://www.aamft.org/   American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists

https://www.mhanational.org/preventing-suicide-older-adults

How to assess your emotional bandwidth

by Kay Klinkenborg, Church of the Palms UCC

Broad bandwidth for cell phones went to 5G in late February in this part of AZ. I just traded in an old iPhone 6, and when I looked at the bars of signal strength, there it was: 5G. Oxford Dictionary gives two definitions:  

  1. A range of frequencies within a given band that is used for transmitting a signal. The transmission capacity of a computer network or other telecommunication system.
  2. The energy or mental capacity required to deal with a situation.

There it was…an alternative definition applicable to my life. How does one measure mental capacity required to deal with a situation? Is it IQ capacity? Is it spiritual capacity? Then we have that famous book, Emotional IQ: is it our emotional capacity? And the word “energy” was offered as an evaluative tool: what kind of energy? Emotional energy? Spiritual energy? Physical energy…am I too tired, too wired?

Quite complex, it appears. Where would you go to find your energy or mental capacity to deal with a situation? Maybe more questions bring clarity. Emotional bandwidth is the ability to honestly catch up on your emotional state.

How do you listen to yourself? Do you listen to what your mind is saying, linear thinking? Do you have a place in your body where you know something is right or wrong, called “gut feeling?” Do you identify your intuition a certain way? I can’t answer one of these questions for you. You must do the work.

So I offer a simple tool to assist us at any time to assess our “emotional bandwidth.” Using this tool helps me take a step back, see where my emotional center is and make wiser choices, possibly to wait a while for that hard conversation, get something to eat if I am hungry and ignoring that hunger edge, maybe I am overextended. Here is how to use the Emotional Bandwidth Tool.

Bandwidth 5: I am rested, refreshed, and able to focus and respond without feeling put upon, angry or testy.

Bandwidth 4: I am aware I feel somewhat irritated, that I am being bothered, but I can respond appropriately. I know I need to take a break, drink some fluids, maybe eat lunch. Space to regroup.

Bandwidth 3: I am edgy, having trouble concentrating, and don’t really want to be participating in this conversation/event. I am not actively listening, out ahead of the person talking, thinking of what I will respond. I might have a headache and not ask for the break I need to regroup.

Bandwidth 2: I am sharp in my responses, not focused, blaming others for what is happening or what I am experiencing. I am tired and ignoring it. I am over-committed and ignoring that, as well. I keep pushing, but feel like I am moving through mud.

Bandwidth 1: My mind and body are screaming: “Please, not one more request of me, I can’t even do the list I have.” I have no coping skills for emotional conversations. I really want to be left alone. In the past, I have called this place for myself “emotionally thin,” not much reserve left to give to anyone. A clear message that self-care needs to be a priority and a plan for that put into action.

So, let’s do an experiment together. Pick one or two people with whom you agree to share where you are on your Emotional Band Width Scale. Just a fun project to help you take a pause and look at your response to life. Want to be 5G…good goal. But life happens – bumps in the road – and I can’t be Pollyanna when I don’t feel that way. So being honest about my Emotional Bandwidth will benefit those with whom I interact and help me be more balanced with self-care, able to respond to support others when I pay attention.