Don’t know about you, but I, like millions of others right now, have anxiety issues. “Generalized Anxiety Disorder” is the technical term my therapist writes down in their little notebook. I’m not ashamed to admit this. In some ways, when you look around at all that is going on in the world, like…
Mass shootings
Raging war in Ukraine
Wildfires, drought, floods, the shrinking ice caps in the Arctic
Lack of affordable housing
Inflation
Political division and threats of civil war
Well, if you’re not a little bit anxious, you just aren’t paying attention.
In our continuing exploration of the attributes of God found listed in the apocryphal book of Wisdom (7:22-24), our lovely Wisdom passage tells us that the Divine is free from anxiety.
For Wisdom, the fashioner of all things, taught me…
…there is in her a spirit that is free from anxiety.
This is also something Jesus — a New Testament Wisdom figure — told us: “don’t be anxious about anything,” in Matthew 6:25-31.
What would it be like to be free from anxiety? To have hope that God, working through all of us, can bring about a more peaceful, sustainable, and just world?
This attribute of God is one reason I attend worship. In my congregation, we never ignore the injustices of the world but at the same time we always emphasize God’s grace and the hope for change. It is this hope that has the ability — if I allow it — to calm my anxious spirit.
Anxiety can easily raise my blood pressure. This morning, as I prepared for the day and did my daily blood pressure check, it was borderline high. So, I took 15 minutes to sit, breathe and be in the presence of God (the one free from anxiety!). After finishing, I rechecked and sure enough, my blood pressure was back to normal.
We can’t singlehandedly make the world a more just and sustainable place. We can, however, sometimes lower our anxiety-produced-high blood pressure if we…
Check in with ourselves. Ask “what do I need right now?”
Take several slow, steady, deep breaths.
Let go of anxious thoughts with our favorite mantra or just saying “I let it go.”
Allow God to absorb our worries and burdens for the time being.
Knowing that God is free from anxiety can be inspiration for us. We won’t be free from concerns and anxiety all the time (we need some of it for self-preservation), yet we can give ourselves the breaks we need to continue our work toward a better, more just world.
by Kay F. Klinkenborg, MA, Spiritual Companion, Retired RN, LMFT, Clinical Member AAMFT
I have a new phrase, “Prolonged Complex Compassion Fatigue”1 to describe our accumulated experiences as we enter the third year of a world pandemic. No one debates that it is/ has been a time of extraordinary stress from the COVID pandemic with persistent residual feelings of worn out, more tired consistently, restless and discouraged. The words, COVID/ Pandemic Fatigue has shown up in various media forms in an attempt to describe our collective prolonged response. COVID has challenged every social structure in our world. And it has impacted every person in the world.
The deaths from COVID are staggering and the tsunami leaves a wake of aching hearts with complicated grief, discouragement, fear of the future and much more. What medical health care workers, first responders and hospital/nursing home staff have experienced is beyond the scope of this article…they are traumatized with resulting PTSD…way beyond compassion fatigue.
What we are experiencing is individualized, but also collective. I chose to call this experience ‘complex’ because it has multiple layers of impact. COVID-19 has exacerbated already-existing global issues of climate change, political unrest, and systemic injustice. There is an added existential worry/anxiety. A predictable outcome from caring and loving in a time of crisis. We have done nothing wrong. Caring and loving is how we are designed by the Creator. But the prolonged intensity, unpredictability, isolation, constant adaptation and worrying about your own and other’s safety has a wearing impact. It is because we have and do care that we are experiencing this phenomena. No one is exempt.
Registered nurse Carla Joinson (1992) coined ‘compassion fatigue’ to describe a unique form of burnout that affected caregivers and resulted in a “loss of the ability to nurture.”2 This form of burnout was related to a variety of stressors, including long hours, heavy workload without any signs of potential time to rest and restore.
Dr. Charles Figley, PhD was the first professor (University of Florida) to lecture on trauma and mentioned the phrase ‘compassion fatigue’ as similar to ‘secondary traumatic stress syndrome (STS)’; resulting from over extended exposure to traumatic stresses of time in caring. He also noted that it was similar to PTSD, but that it came through a secondary source…the patient.2
From 1995 to 2005 I conducted workshops for all levels of professionals in the caring fields on the topic “Compassion Fatigue”. It also occurs in a time of disaster in dealing with multiple traumatized people in extenuating circumstances over a period of time…just like the last two years. Until now, the term has been limited to nurses, doctors, therapists, clergy: all professionals in care giving careers and care-givers of ill family members or friends.
What are signs/symptoms of compassion fatigue?
Feeling exhausted physically and psychologically.
Feeling helpless, hopeless or powerless.
Feeling irritable, angry, sad or numb.
A sense of being detached or having decreased pleasure in activities.3
I find we are experiencing an extraordinary unprecedented more complex form of compassion fatigue. It is expanded because of the prolonged, unpredictable and unknown outcome of the pandemic and added existential worries. The professional literature I have reviewed, local and national news stories and feature articles in newspapers and magazines are all reporting about this intense time of stress. I add the following complex responses:
Existential Worries
Complicated grief because of isolation when loved ones are critical or dying
Job security
Up ended routine life schedules, always adapting, no ‘norm’ to reset which is unnerving
Unpredictable health care availability, unprecedented medical care staff shortages
US divisive politics (Note: this is experienced by Red and Blue constituents)
World conflicts, potential new wars
Starvation, droughts
Loss of homes
Natural disasters on the rise: fires, floods, tornadoes, tsunamis, etc.
Violence and hate crimes on the rise around the world
Climate change.
This is not the end of the existential worry list.1
More intense responses to prolonged complex compassion fatigue
Malaise: a mind/spirit/ brain fatigue. I can’t think my way through this.
Finding ourselves alarmed that concentration capacity has decreased
Unconsciously consumed with keeping up with news/ media; needing the most current statistics/stories; obsessed with Internet or Facebook
Free-floating anxiety; especially when outside one’s home or in groups/shopping for necessities; keeping self and loved ones safe
Depressed, feeling blue but unable to connect it to a specific reason
Spiritual questioning: “where is God in this?”; or even wondering if God exists or is present.
“The issues are so big, I have no idea where to start, self-care is slacking, demotivated, can’t push myself to do what I know to do.”
“I am one person, no way can I impact these big social issues.”1
Exhausted! Bone tired! Deep chronic fatigue that a week off doesn’t resolve. And in our retirement community I often hear: “this is not how I intended to spend the last good physical capable years of my life.” This isn’t the only age group to lose some dreams. We have all lost some dreams.
In a recent article: “Mental Health Therapists Worried About America”5, the research of 1, 320 therapists across the US, found that anxiety and depression are significantly on the rise and the most frequent reason to seek help. The rise in needs for counselors was even across Red and Blue states.5
Rise in relationship issues: couples have too much together time…no space to breath and do self-care; financial stresses are increasing couple difficulties; substance use/abuse on rise; arguing more; children at home doing school. Political disagreements increasing major stress for immediate and extended family members. One in four providers said suicidal thoughts were among the top reasons for clients reaching out for help.5
Every major news outlet and newspapers have published articles of concern about the mental well-being of our children and youth. How has this impacted their learning, their social skills or view of the world?
Suicide rates are on the rise of young people from age 11-22 years of age.5 One 10 year old boy told his therapist he was having “sad panic mode” in describing being overwhelmed.5
Just reading this article is likely triggering one or more of the above stress responses. So what is one to do to cope with Prolonged Complex Compassion Fatigue?
Back to the basics is a trite statement. Digging deeper for coping skills, exploring new coping strategies are options. But what does that mean?
I want to begin with one primary focus: developing a resilient focused mind set. How do begin to take care of ourselves with intention and practice to diminish the impact that will continue to come our way? For as all reports indict: “this isn’t over yet.”
RESILIENT FOCUSED MIND SET
Resilience is the capacity to recover from difficulties; toughness. The ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.8 Psychologists have found these skills can be learned.7
YOU CAN DO THIS ONE HARD THING!
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor (bathos) the deep, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8: 38-39 NRSV.
I do not intend to be glib, but…you have used a lot of unidentified positive skills these first two years of pandemic and existential worries. Make a list of ‘how did you do this?’ You did make good choices. Learned to do different from some choices, but you kept moving forward. Creation is a continual evolution…we are continuing to evolve as people. If we did the last two years, we can do the years ahead of us too. Yes, its hard but there have never been any promises that life would be easy.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS!
The Bible has 365 separate quotes of: “fear not for I am with you.” If it is that frequent, obviously history notes leaning on God (Divine) has proven to be of comfort and to own we are not alone.In addition, three characteristics that remind us of our competency. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7.
The Quran shares similar beliefs: “My mercy encompasses all things.
[Quran] 7:156. “So verily, with this hardship, there is relief. [Quran 94:5]
YOU COME LEARNING HOW TO DO THIS!
Resilience requires this steadiness of mind and willingness to ‘be with’ suffering rather than turning away from it.9 As Poet Robert Frost said, “The best way out is always through.”9 We aren’t supposed to have all the answers about how to adapt to crises. This didn’t come with a manual. Paul, the Apostle wrote: “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” Philippians 4:13 NRSV.
Extend grace to yourself! Only then can you extend grace to others. You don’t have to know the future. You don’t have to have all the answers. Come with an open mind and heart to find a more peaceful way to be.
REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS
“Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.”6 Letting go of our expectations..’what should be’ compared to ‘what is’, wastes a lot of mental energy. Obsessing about facts we can’t change is sitting in ‘what should be’. ‘What is’ gives you choices about how to spend your time; what to read, etc. This is healthy movement and not being frozen or immobilized.
Dr. Michael Yapko cautions about ‘global thinking’: generalizing one thing to all things.7 An example: one rapid test clinic for COVID wasn’t using certified testing equipment; thus all clinics aren’t using certified testing equipment. Dangerous thinking pattern when you pause to contemplate this type of generalization. People who do a lot of ‘global thinking’ have a high predictability of depression according to Yapko.
We live in an uncertain unpredictable time. Learning to ‘go with the flow’ and trust that we can respond with wise choices can be a powerful confidence builder.
WHAT AM I TO LEARN FROM THIS?
Back to Havel’s quote: “Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.”6 You can’t learn from the present, if you are locked into focus on the past.7 Whether it is locked in your childhood pain, or betrayal as an adult, it is a waste of your spiritual and mental energy to ruminate on the past. In this moment, this time this space: What are you to learn?
Who are you going to chose to be…not who was I? Step into the future.
The old gospel hymn: “We’ve Come This Far By Faith Leaning on the Lord,” was a childhood favorite of mine. It pulled me forward when I was frightened; it pulled me through intense therapy to heal deep wounds; and it is pulling me forward to be engaged, productive and repeating my personal mantra: “What return can I make?”
A resilient mind set is my responsibility; that is my choice. Each of us can practice and hone this skill set. Yes, we will ebb and flow in our moods and response to these continued stressors. I pray by the grace of God I will continue to learn from this scary unpredictable time in which I live. This is resilience!
1Klinkenborg, K.F. (Jan 24, 2022) W.I.S.E. Steering Committee Retreat for Church of the Palms, Sun City, AZ. (first use of term and defined).
2 Compassion fatigue: toward a new understanding of the costs of caring. In Stamm BH
(Ed.): Secondary Traumatic Stress: Self-Care Issues for Clinicians, Researchers, and
5New York Times, Dec 17, 2022. “Mental Health Therapists Worried About America.”
6Havel, Vaclav: playwright, essayist, poet, former dissident and 1st President of the Czech Republic (1936-2011).
7Yapko, Michael. May 14, 2018. “Keys to Unlock Depression: Why Skills Work Better than Pills.” Speech for Australian Psychology Society. 8Oxford Dictionary
Back in the day I used to go to see funny movies in theaters. I say back in the day because we can’t go to theaters right now due to the mandatory quarantine happening in places all over where heartbeats exist and life flows. We are not alone in this. It is happening everywhere. That feels important to remember.
I also say back in the day because I have been living a life of isolation due to illness for several years now so I have been unable to go to a movie theater in a long while, even when they were open.
I used to love going to movie theaters, though. I loved watching really funny comedies in a room full of other people laughing. It magnified joy in a lovely way and I would feel connected, alive, happy. How amazing is it that we can be that impacted by each other? It’s lovely when it’s good.
How awful is it that we can be that impacted by each other? It’s hard when it’s bad.
The impact is immense. Your life and my life are so intertwined. My very survival rests in my ability to watch you live, see what I see and respond accordingly. My world and your world are so impacted by each other that the reality of separateness gets called into question all the time. We are far more connected and far more similar than we are comfortable admitting. I have choice and you have choice, but we really do make choices based on the smallest things we have no idea or awareness influence it.
You choose a lot because of me. I choose a lot because of you. That impact changes and fluctuates, but it always exists. We are connected. The COV19 Pandemic has been a baffling and scary situation to watch as I sit from my long-isolated perch.
It is a world-wide flash mob called “The Dance of Our Primal Fears” brought to you by: “Toilet paper: Need it. Buy It. Wait. That’s too much. You don’t need that much… Hold on…Stop buying it! It’s not the stomach flu!”
It’s a new tag line that is being workshopped by the toilet paper industry. They’re working on it. Needs some polishing. They didn’t see this coming either.
The fear is bringing out the neuroses to the nth degree in all of us. The neuroses we have been polishing and working on for a long time, but we were gonna wait to unleash them upon the world, maybe after the election. They have been a-building for some time now.
Under this new pressure, we are rolling those neuroses out early. Here they come on out like a mighty powerful parade as we buy all of the toilet paper in all of the stores in all of the lands.
We are buying the toilet paper for a reason. And it’s a pretty important reason. We aren’t thinking. We stopped. Of course we did.
Our thinking is distorted anytime we feel fear and anxiety because of the neurochemical response that is just there to keep us safe. That reality is coupled with the long-time building of intense pressure that increased exponentially in 2016. It’s been intense for a while. We couple the fear with the intensity and we react. We see it on display as we take far more than we need and are indifferent to the scarcity we create for others for our own momentary, unsettled, and fleeting sense of relief.
We are having fear. We are having impulses. We are making choices. I think about the first person that bought more toilet paper. I think about the next person in line who was like, “Why is he buying so much toilet paper? Should I buy more toilet paper?” Then she went and bought more toilet paper. Then the next person walking in the store as she walked out wondered “Why are people buying more toilet paper? There must be a reason.” They bought some more just in case.
That is why we bought all the toilet paper. We do that. We are ridiculous.
We just want to be safe. We are all looking around, assessing, acting and then hoping we got it right.
We are all choosing actions from the same place of fear and some of those actions will hurt us and some will help us and that is completely up to us to determine bit by bit and moment by moment and act by act as we navigate this in isolation-togetherness.
This paradox has to hold the meaning of life. It just has to be in there somewhere.
We have a worldwide shared thought distortion that is damaging on so many levels and in so many ways. It’s a filter that comes from that desperate part of us that just wants to believe that controlling life is possible.
I can control the moment I die if I just stay vigilant. This thought, though, is an absolute and absolutes are flags for thought distortions. It is also a thinking error. We cannot control death.
When we operate in thought distortions, fear is present a lot of the time. We also are about to do some damage if the distortion is the guiding part of our behavior. This distortion takes me from the reality that so many things are needed for my survival and makes me focus on one small thing, what’s in front of me. What I end up losing when I do this is, well…mainly – you.
If I operate in this distortion fully I begin to think that I matter more and you matter less. I then become threatened if you act on something I don’t understand. I then begin to worry that you will get to survive a bit more and I will get to survive a bit less. That changes me and my behavior. It leads to me clinging and clawing and climbing this small part of the world that I can cling and claw and climb because at least I am still moving and at least I am still fighting.
Then I will act selfishly. Then I will act harshly. And then it will be easy for me to become brutal.
It is what happens again and again and again and again when we are afraid on such a massive scale. If you mix our fragility with global panic then people overreact. Of course they do. Of course.
My friends, life is an endless grocery store trip for toilet paper in which people are stopping their carts in our way.
We are huffing and side-eying our communication of anger until it becomes socially feasible and acceptable to yell our frustrations or escalate in a worse way.
We then adjust our path as we lock eyes on the toilet paper we came for.
We then block someone else’s path two seconds later as we get what we came for, not caring for a single moment that they are feeling what we felt two seconds before.
This is us. This is us figuring out how to live while everyone else is figuring out how to live. We have done this before. It’s always what we are doing. It just is bigger right now.
Take a breath, my Dear One. Take a breath. Take another. My friend, take another. And if you didn’t do that. Go back and do it.
Slow. Down. Breathe. That’s fear. It lifts.
Breathe. Breathe. Remember.We have other options.
One of my favorite things written down on paper for my eyes to peruse (as often as I wish) is a line from a poem by ee cummings called “i love you”. The line I love is about the forgetting and the remembering that we keep on doing.
Humanity i love you because you
are perpetually putting the secret of
life in your pants and forgetting
it’s there and sitting down
on it
I love this because it is the crux of living to me. We are always forgetting and we are always remembering.
We hold something that gives us an understanding of our aliveness and why it’s important.
We hold it for awhile. Then we put it away.
We live.
We exist.
Time passes.
We forget its presence.
We panic that we lost it.
We remember we didn’t.
We retrieve it.
Then we hold it again.
Let’s hold it again. Together.
We are scared and we’ve been acting like it.
We have other options.
We make other choices.
All we have is this moment and in this moment we can choose to do this together.
We are never really apart.
I need you and you need me even when we are healthiest apart. I still need you. You still need me. It just is.
We will survive better together and we forget that.
Now we can remember. We can choose differently.
Of course we can.
Of course.
It would seem that in recent news there’s something happening to make almost everyone afraid. Gun violence in general, the Pulse nightclub massacre, and killings connected with racism, are all viscerally upsetting. Political stakes have never seemed higher, with voters on the left and the right portraying the upcoming presidential race as near-apocalyptic in its possible outcome. Even before these recent events, Time Magazine, at the start of this year, published an article titled “Why Americans are More Afraid Than They Used to Be.” It included terrorism as a cause, along with “the politics of fear” (the trend for politicians to invoke fear as motivation for their causes). They add that the widespread loss of trust in government (on all sides) leads to the perception that citizens must handle threats increasingly by themselves — adding to the sense of anxiety.
Christians in mainline denominations have a well-established and laudable reaction to fear; we redouble efforts for justice. This certainly reflects Jesus’ priority to “seek first the Reign of God, and God’s justice.” There’s a risk, however, in passionate involvement even for thoroughly good causes—activists can fall prey to the same fears and anxieties that afflict persons who are not involved in justice work—and when that happens, people of faith lose their distinctive witness.
In uncertain times, belief in the Living God can counterbalance the temptation to fear and its attendant maladies (such as anger, desperation, withdrawal and poor judgement). Marcus Borg, in his book The Heart of Christianity, wrote about how his wife would teach adult classes the meaning of faith by asking them “How many of you have taught a child to swim?” Borg then notes that “Faith … is trusting in the buoyancy of God. Faith is trusting in the sea of being in which we live and move and have our being.” He goes on to explain “The opposite of trust is not doubt or disbelief…its opposite is ‘anxiety’ or ‘worry.” He concludes “Growth in faith as trust casts out anxiety.”
More recently, John Cobb, the famous process theologian, released his book Jesus’ Abba: The God Who Has Not Failed. Cobb laments that misunderstandings of God’s nature have led many liberal Christians to eschew robust faith in the Deity that Jesus followed. The unfortunate result is that such a religion “rarely challenges its members to devote themselves to God.” Cobb understands the problems that have led believers to eschew God-talk. The list of these problems includes: claims of God’s absolute omnipotence, lack of compassion, scientific unreasonableness, and exclusivity. But these problems—he says—are not attributes of Jesus’s Abba God. We need to relate to God with the same manner of faith we see in Jesus, because The pressing issues of our world require actions that will be “hard to achieve without the belief in the One who is, or relates to, the whole and is felt worthy of our total devotion.”
In Luke 18:1, “Jesus told them a parable about their need to pray always and not to lose heart” (NRSV). This seems a timely word for our situation today. We need to keep our focus on the reality of God, who is present in the rough-and-tumble physicality of our world and is constantly working to create openings for grace and redemption. Accompanying such a focus, we need to remain steadfast in time-honored practices of prayer and contemplation that keep us “tuned in” to God. The stories of faith in our Scriptures include the presence of great evil, of intolerance, and of dire injustice. We should not be surprised to see the same powers and principalities at work in our world today; and by the same token we should expect to see Abba God powerfully at work in our midst. When fear and discouragement knock at our door we can reply “we have faith in God, nonetheless.”
“You gave me room when I was in distress.” – Psalm 4
“When my mother was diagnosed with cancer,” a friend shared recently, “one of the greatest gifts was the nurse in the oncologist’s office.”
“She had a great sense of humor, and she could make a cold, sterile examining room a place of warmth and even laughter,” my friend said. But even more than that, he continued, “she knew how to hold my mother’s anxiety.”
As the cancer progressed, he explained, “My mother got more and more scared—understandably. She kept asking the same questions over and over again. I knew it was the fear talking, but I was worn out. I’d reached the end of my own rope. I loved my mother deeply, but I couldn’t deal with one more question.”
But that nurse, he continued, “could listen to my mother ask the same thing a million times.” It was like she had a big bowl, he said as he stretched out his arms to demonstrate, “in which she could hold my mother’s fear—and my impatience.”
If I experienced God in that hard time, my friend concluded, “it was that nurse’s deep well of patience and grace. I thanked God every day for her. I still do.”
“You gave me room when I was in distress,” the ancient Psalmist writes. “You have put gladness in my heart . . . . I will lie down and sleep in peace.”
Maybe the Psalmist knew someone like that oncology nurse. Perhaps we do, too.
Prayer
God of infinite patience and bottomless love, thank you for the people who have made room for us in our distress. They have put your gladness in our hearts, even in hard times. Amen.
Parent friends, can we talk? It’s rough out there, right? Parents get a lot of conflicting messages about how to be the best we can for our kids. Tough but compassionate. Attachment and yet independence. Respecting their agency but retaining authority. Let them make choices… but not too many. Say no and mean it, but stay positive. Be available for your children, but take care of your primary partnership.
And yet we wouldn’t trade it for the world.
I’m convinced that parenting is a fantastic spiritual discipline. When I was a kid, I daydreamed about being a nun. Since I was born and raised in the South and never met a single Catholic person until college, this was never a likely scenario… But I think it had something to do with selflessness and dedication – the idea of spending your life doing something worth doing. And maybe it was a juvenile fantasy about Maria from The Sound of Music – that’s a possibility too. But what is parenting, if not dedicating your life’s energy, and sometimes the last cinnamon bagel, to something worth your best efforts?
Good for babies…and my most faithful prayer discipline ever!
We parent to make our children good human beings and along the way, we become pretty good too.
At the same time, I see a lot of parenting anxiety. I see parents putting their children’s wants and needs ahead of their own – not out of dedication but out of fear. It starts as soon as the stick turns pink, with nutrition and playing music and avoiding stress. About the time my first child was born, new brain development research began to be available to popular audiences. The importance of second language acquisition, “windows” of prime learning, speech development, and stimulating learning environments for babies… I was convinced that any moment that wasn’t full of stimulation was a waste!
Now I see it more with afterschool activities, music lessons, tutoring, drama, and sports. Our families are stressed out. And it’s hard: hard to say no to the opportunity to play with a competitive traveling volleyball team; hard to step away from the pressure to perform; hard to insist on time for your child to just BE.
Does this look familiar at all?
So start with you. Be selfish. Be a role model for selfishness. Take care of your own spiritual self. Find something that feeds your own soul.
I see families… good loving wonderful families… who are involved in a faith community for their children’s sake. Goodness knows, that’s not a bad thing, but those parents need to hear this loving and gentle instruction: you too are a child of God. Find something spiritual for you.
You.
You are unique and unrepeatable.
You – the universe becoming self-aware.
You, sent by the Spirit to the world to learn and grow all your life long.
You are a gift to the world, so take care of that good gift!
Last week was awkward and hard. It really was. It was one of the weeks where nothing seemed to synch up for me. From attempting to greet an acquaintance with a hug, but instead elbowing them in the nose to forgetting about a meeting I was supposed to be at while I was just chilling at home as though I hadn’t a care in the world. I set my alarm for 6pm instead of 6am not once, but twice. I woke up with this pit in my stomach and sense of dread, but it wasn’t connected to any thought. It just constantly felt like something was wrong and I couldn’t put my finger on it.
I wasn’t the only one feeling this way last week. I have two friends that I talk to every single day over text regardless of rain or shine. Sometimes it is lengthy, sometimes it’s short, but we always connect. As I texted my, sometimes humorous, often complaining texts to them last week, I received very similar responses. Each of us said at some point, “What the heck is going on? Is something in the air?” Nothing was synching up.
I was avoiding things that week. I was eating less, not much of an appetite. I was walking under a plume of strangeness without knowing why. I caught myself walking very quickly through my living room as I came home, a sense of urgency to get into another room. I noticed it and wondered what the heck was wrong with me. Why am I feeling compelled to avoid so much? I walked back into my living room and realized the source of anxiety was the TV. It was the news anchor. It was the images. It was the terror in the world.
And I cried.
This thick pall that I was in the midst of was the sense of helplessness in the face of unimaginable suffering. I felt shame for the human race. I felt absolute rage for the vulnerability that is exploited and crushed. I was avoiding the pain of living in this world. There isn’t even a starting place that makes sense to me to begin to hold what is happening in the world around me. So I check out entirely. And when I do, I step out of the flow of life. My fears increase, my reasoning decreases. I am ill-tempered and checked out. I am withdrawn. All of this leads to me living out of synch.
My pastor, Rev. Delle McCormick, said something incredibly profound the Sunday after the attacks in Beirut and in Paris. She used the phrase “unsettled ache” repeatedly in her sermon and that resonated very strongly with me. The reality is I am impacted by all of this pain and violence in the world. The reality is you are too. Even if we are avoiding knowledge of it or attempting to distract, it is the thing that greets us when there is a quiet moment. It’s just on the edge of our awareness more often than not and it impacts the way we interact with the world around us.
My starting point to engage in the world again was the awareness of this very simple point: you impact me and I impact you. We do not exist in a vacuum. We do not live the individual lives that we are constantly trying to tell ourselves we are living. This is a global community.
We say something to each other at Rincon Congregational UCC that I have never said to anyone before. Often after service, during the benediction, we are encouraged to look at one another and say, “I need you to survive”. Regardless of what word you put the emphasis on in that statement, it is true and powerful. I need for you, my dear one, to survive. I also need you, my dear one, for my own survival. We are connected. It is unsettling. It is life.
